garrulously | Where Ivan truly achieves his life goals

He's used to being taller than most of his clients -- apparently Barrayarans were tall by galactic standards, who knew -- but Duv is far more solid than he'd expect from an academic. Must be that business side of his family showing up, Ivan thinks, and rests his chin in the crook of David's neck, as if he's tucking the other man in against him.

"Sometimes they put in the tech they're just phasing out in that one," Ivan says, dimly recalling some of the conversations he's had with other clients. "Just to remind people we're only selling what we've figured out to defeat."

"Hm, it must be an effective tactic if it's been working for this long." Which makes him wonder what they aren't displaying. It's not in the realm of anything David does himself, but he finds the history alone fascinating. It's how Beta Colony has remained on the cutting edge of technology in general. Strange how the tourists only seem to come here for the pleasure aspect of the planet.

"You've never been the museums yourself?"

"Not really," Ivan admits, getting more comfortable against the couch and with David against him. "That sort of thing never held much interest for me. If I ever wanted to take someone out to see the sights, it's alway the tourist locations. Even we locals like 'em. Although you can't really beat a good feelie show."

"I haven't been to one yet. It seems a little..." He waves vaguely. "Much." As in, he's not sure he understands the appeal of a show going that far. What was wrong with simple holovids? Or simply reading. It felt a lot less... invasive than the 'feelie' shows this planet seemed to parade around at every opportunity.

In the back of his mind he thinks with mild amusement that of course the historian would be a little behind on current entertainment standards.

Ivan shrugs, having long accepted them as part of his life. "That's normally what galactics say about the entire planet. You're doing pretty good for just using that for the Orb and the feelie shows." He does prod David with one finger in an attempt to bring him around to the main topic.

"Speaking of, how's your assignment going?"

"I did come here to see a LSP," he murmurs. It was the entire purpose of the trip since his research had nothing to do with Beta Colony. There's a small frown at the prodding. David knows he's been diving into this tangent to avoid their usual conversation topic.

"The masturbating?" he asks dryly. Rhetorical, of course. "I've done it a few times this last week." So, already off to a better start. "Your, ah, demonstration last session helped a great deal."

That is a much better start indeed, and Ivan smiles where David can't see but certainly can feel. "Good. You're making good progress, you know, since you scheduled out a few months of sessions. You might not even need all of them." Not if they continue on at this rate.

"I'm not --" Is he really progressing quickly? He doesn't feel like he is. He attempts to shift enough to glance at Ivan sheepishly. Less sessions means less time he gets to see Ivan. The man truly is gorgeous and David's not sure he's ever thought that about anyone else before.

"I'll leave it to your professional opinion," he finally finishes.

Ivan gives him an encouraging grin at his expression and does not think about the idea of seeing David less. This is him, not thinking about it. Look at him go.

"That's what you came here for, isn't it? For a man who's never done anything with another man before, you're doing great." See? Just gentle encouragement. Ivan slides one of his hands into David's hair, threading through it absently. "You're willing to try, which puts you ahead of some of the clients I've had."

Without even realizing it, David's hit on the nerve that's been twitching in him. The hand in his hair keeps him in place though he's looking down as he tries to figure out how to articulate it. It's a thought that's been nagging him since their last session and he's been too afraid to give it words.

"Yes, that's... part of what's concerning me," he says voice quiet. "It's been easier than anything else I've done." In his admittedly limited experience, but he's starting to think it's a sign of something more.

"Easier?" Ivan prompts, trying to prod David to whatever revelation must had occurred to the other man. "How is that a concern?" He's a sexual therapist, not a complete one. They've discussed sexual trauma in that the other man didn't have any, but-- surely he couldn't have been hiding it for that long.

"Yes," he answers lamely. He wishes he could just bury his face into the man's shoulder and hide from what he's about to imply. This shouldn't be that hard dammit. It's not as if most people on Komarr would care or even notice beyond giving him a strange look, but his family... He sighs and ends up curling a little more into Ivan's hold. At least for the moment.

"Than anything else I've done. My, ah, previous experience has only been with women. I didn't think..."

Ah. Ivan pictures his test results and mentally adjusts it to account for what might be feelings of obligation and societal pressure. "That you could have a preference for men? It happens all the time in the Nexus. Not knowing, I mean. You don't think about it, or you can't think about it," and he wonders which one is more accurate for David, "and you don't question it until you're faced with it."

Which the other man clearly has been.

He pulls away somewhat from Ivan. Thank god the man understands where he's coming from at least. It means less explaining he has to do.

"It hasn't been an option. My father expects to bond me off to a nice, Komarran girl," he says with no small amount of bitterness. "As a potential business dealing. Anything else hasn't been on the table and I never..." He shrugs helplessly. Why had it taken him this long to realize it?

Ivan shifts slightly, so that he can look at David far more comfortably, while still being physically close to him. This sort of thing is left to the normal therapists, he thinks, but ignores it. They're not the ones with David in their arms and he's had the required classes he needed to get this job anyway. Shame they didn't recruit on raw sexual talent. "Can't you request to be bonded to a man instead? There's bound to be plenty of families with sons they're just as secretly eager to get bonded as yours."

"That's not how things work on Komarr," he grumbles. His hands are together in his lap, fidgeting as his gaze focuses in on that. As much as David wants to do good by his planet, there are several ways it could improve. Fiscally conservative is where it falls on the spectrum of galactic standards and he's not entirely sure a man raised on Beta Colony would quite understand that.

"It's not entirely a choice I get to make. Not without a long, drawn out fight."

Ivan doesn't. He might have been born on 'backwards Barrayar' but he's never been constrained by it. It echoes in his mother, who finds his career disappointing, but surprisingly tolerant of a sexuality he knows isn't much accepted on her home. Ivan almost wishes for a moment the other man didn't find this out about himself; wouldn't it be easier to struggle on in ignorance than to know what you could have, but can't?

Not that either of those are any decent option.

"What will you do, when you go back?"

"I..." The question makes him go rigid. What is he going to do?

For a moment his face falters before it's replaced by blankness. He could push against it and test his family's tolerance. He's sure his aunt will have no troubles, but his father and brother have more control over the family shares. If they wanted to block him out and prevent his eventual claiming of the Counselor seat for their family when Rebecca finished, they could.

All it would take is a misstep. But he's not sure how he could force himself to go through with an arranged bonding. His father's been dying to push him into one to be of 'some use to the family business.' Where would that put him and his potential? There's no male prospects from well-off Komarran families that his father would consider and hell, no guarantee they'd even be interested. When did his life become such a mess?

"I don't know," he answers quietly.

"You don't have to figure it out just yet," Ivan offers, his arms around Duv tightening. "You've got months here before you have to leave." And maybe a solution would come to him then, although he doesn't know the full scope of what's at stake. Not that it matters -- the fact that something is at all is enough.

"No, but..." Months to figure it out, but his whole life to live with the consequences of whatever came of this. He's already so tired and he's barely been in the office. His eyes slide closed and he sighs heavily into his hands. "I wonder if I'm wasting my time."

"Knowing more about yourself, being comfortable with it -- that's never a waste of time in my opinion. No matter what comes of what we do, at least you'll know." And maybe that'll only make things harder, or maybe it will push him to making a chance. "But-- you don't have to keep coming if you'd rather not."

Except-- Ivan wants him to come, has found himself looking forward to David's appointments in a way he rarely feels about his clients. But even he knows that he can't force him to do anything, wouldn't dream of it.

"I'll think about it," is all he can manage to say at the moment. David doesn't want to stop attending either. Seeing an LSP is the whole damn reason he's even on this planet. He steals a glance over at Ivan and his frown deepens. Wanting what he can't have, what kind of crap is he leading himself on with?

Still, he can't bring himself to move out of Ivan's hold. It's comforting to have the man's arm around him despite every fiber in David's being wanting him to break down in panic. He takes a deep breath and rests his face in his hands. Pathetic, but he needs this moment to collect himself or he's getting more vulnerable than he'd like in front of his LSP.

His conditioning kicks in talk it out -- but something in Ivan's brain stumbles over that particular thing, his mother never talked things out before offering physical comfort in the form of a hug -- and rather than attempt to talk it out, Ivan goes with his gut. Wrapping his arms more securely around the other man, he pulls him close against his chest, tucking his head under his chin and just holds him there. David can escape if he wants to, of course, but Ivan feels as if this is the better option.

The hug is far from expected and he finds his hands falling away as he's brought to Ivan's chest. How bad had he looked for his LSP to do this? The thought's only there for a second before it vanishes. Tears are blinked back before David lets them ruin the other man's shirt and wraps his arms around Ivan's waist as if he's holding on for dear life.

This, he thinks, might truly be his rock bottom.

Ivan doesn't really have an answer for any of his problems except for annoyance that they're a problem in the first place. That isn't fair to him, to anyone on Komarr, and his grip tightens in a manner that's almost protective. Stupid to think that about him, Ivan knows, but it doesn't stop him from the urge. He can't say it'll be okay, so instead he just.... rubs the other man's back comfortingly. That's helpful, right?

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