garrulously | Where Ivan truly achieves his life goals

"Yes," he answers lamely. He wishes he could just bury his face into the man's shoulder and hide from what he's about to imply. This shouldn't be that hard dammit. It's not as if most people on Komarr would care or even notice beyond giving him a strange look, but his family... He sighs and ends up curling a little more into Ivan's hold. At least for the moment.

"Than anything else I've done. My, ah, previous experience has only been with women. I didn't think..."

Ah. Ivan pictures his test results and mentally adjusts it to account for what might be feelings of obligation and societal pressure. "That you could have a preference for men? It happens all the time in the Nexus. Not knowing, I mean. You don't think about it, or you can't think about it," and he wonders which one is more accurate for David, "and you don't question it until you're faced with it."

Which the other man clearly has been.

He pulls away somewhat from Ivan. Thank god the man understands where he's coming from at least. It means less explaining he has to do.

"It hasn't been an option. My father expects to bond me off to a nice, Komarran girl," he says with no small amount of bitterness. "As a potential business dealing. Anything else hasn't been on the table and I never..." He shrugs helplessly. Why had it taken him this long to realize it?

Ivan shifts slightly, so that he can look at David far more comfortably, while still being physically close to him. This sort of thing is left to the normal therapists, he thinks, but ignores it. They're not the ones with David in their arms and he's had the required classes he needed to get this job anyway. Shame they didn't recruit on raw sexual talent. "Can't you request to be bonded to a man instead? There's bound to be plenty of families with sons they're just as secretly eager to get bonded as yours."

"That's not how things work on Komarr," he grumbles. His hands are together in his lap, fidgeting as his gaze focuses in on that. As much as David wants to do good by his planet, there are several ways it could improve. Fiscally conservative is where it falls on the spectrum of galactic standards and he's not entirely sure a man raised on Beta Colony would quite understand that.

"It's not entirely a choice I get to make. Not without a long, drawn out fight."

Ivan doesn't. He might have been born on 'backwards Barrayar' but he's never been constrained by it. It echoes in his mother, who finds his career disappointing, but surprisingly tolerant of a sexuality he knows isn't much accepted on her home. Ivan almost wishes for a moment the other man didn't find this out about himself; wouldn't it be easier to struggle on in ignorance than to know what you could have, but can't?

Not that either of those are any decent option.

"What will you do, when you go back?"

"I..." The question makes him go rigid. What is he going to do?

For a moment his face falters before it's replaced by blankness. He could push against it and test his family's tolerance. He's sure his aunt will have no troubles, but his father and brother have more control over the family shares. If they wanted to block him out and prevent his eventual claiming of the Counselor seat for their family when Rebecca finished, they could.

All it would take is a misstep. But he's not sure how he could force himself to go through with an arranged bonding. His father's been dying to push him into one to be of 'some use to the family business.' Where would that put him and his potential? There's no male prospects from well-off Komarran families that his father would consider and hell, no guarantee they'd even be interested. When did his life become such a mess?

"I don't know," he answers quietly.

"You don't have to figure it out just yet," Ivan offers, his arms around Duv tightening. "You've got months here before you have to leave." And maybe a solution would come to him then, although he doesn't know the full scope of what's at stake. Not that it matters -- the fact that something is at all is enough.

"No, but..." Months to figure it out, but his whole life to live with the consequences of whatever came of this. He's already so tired and he's barely been in the office. His eyes slide closed and he sighs heavily into his hands. "I wonder if I'm wasting my time."

"Knowing more about yourself, being comfortable with it -- that's never a waste of time in my opinion. No matter what comes of what we do, at least you'll know." And maybe that'll only make things harder, or maybe it will push him to making a chance. "But-- you don't have to keep coming if you'd rather not."

Except-- Ivan wants him to come, has found himself looking forward to David's appointments in a way he rarely feels about his clients. But even he knows that he can't force him to do anything, wouldn't dream of it.

"I'll think about it," is all he can manage to say at the moment. David doesn't want to stop attending either. Seeing an LSP is the whole damn reason he's even on this planet. He steals a glance over at Ivan and his frown deepens. Wanting what he can't have, what kind of crap is he leading himself on with?

Still, he can't bring himself to move out of Ivan's hold. It's comforting to have the man's arm around him despite every fiber in David's being wanting him to break down in panic. He takes a deep breath and rests his face in his hands. Pathetic, but he needs this moment to collect himself or he's getting more vulnerable than he'd like in front of his LSP.

His conditioning kicks in talk it out -- but something in Ivan's brain stumbles over that particular thing, his mother never talked things out before offering physical comfort in the form of a hug -- and rather than attempt to talk it out, Ivan goes with his gut. Wrapping his arms more securely around the other man, he pulls him close against his chest, tucking his head under his chin and just holds him there. David can escape if he wants to, of course, but Ivan feels as if this is the better option.

The hug is far from expected and he finds his hands falling away as he's brought to Ivan's chest. How bad had he looked for his LSP to do this? The thought's only there for a second before it vanishes. Tears are blinked back before David lets them ruin the other man's shirt and wraps his arms around Ivan's waist as if he's holding on for dear life.

This, he thinks, might truly be his rock bottom.

Ivan doesn't really have an answer for any of his problems except for annoyance that they're a problem in the first place. That isn't fair to him, to anyone on Komarr, and his grip tightens in a manner that's almost protective. Stupid to think that about him, Ivan knows, but it doesn't stop him from the urge. He can't say it'll be okay, so instead he just.... rubs the other man's back comfortingly. That's helpful, right?

What is he even doing here? For a moment, the smell of Ivan and the hold the man has on him is enough. It's a feeling he desperately clings onto, fingers grasping Ivan's shirt tightly, until it's too far gone for him to reach. Quickly he pulls back and immediately wipes his eyes off on his sleeve to remove the last trace of his outburst.

"Sorry," he murmurs as he moves to stand. "I should go."

Ivan doesn't hold him back, just nods and opens his arms to let him go. Internally, he marks any further appointments with the man as up in the air. There's no telling if he'll ever see him again; and for a moment Ivan wants to say something. Being Betan fails him the once, and he nods.

"You're free to," is what he says instead, gesturing at the door and making no motion to pull him back. It's his choice, after all.

David doesn't want to leave, but neither does he want Ivan to see him in such a sorry state. There's something compelling him to go, and to go now. He doesn't look back as he makes his way for the door, eager to get back to the privacy of his flat.

And he doesn't come to his next session. A last minute call to the center to cancel, no questions asked of him beyond if this is a one-time missing or if the rest should be cancelled to. It's a long pause before he decides that one-time is fine, he'll decide on the rest later and he lets himself stew for another week.

Nothing's clearer the morning of this session and it takes time for him to draw himself from his flat. He still has no idea what he's doing, but isn't that what Ivan was for? Some sort of guidance so he's not reaching into this blind. It's hard to know what he's giving up if he doesn't know what he's missing and he's managed to avoid his father's attempts at arranged bonding so far. He's not sure his luck will hold but...

Something brings him back to Ivan's office. Late, but he's there and stands at the door with a grim look of determination. He's going to figure this out and Komarr be damned. He'll deal with that side when he gets home.

The cancelation of their next sessions doesn't come as a surprise to Ivan, who figures that the other man will -- eventually -- cancel them all. When he doesn't show at the one after, he's prepared to write him off. But then he hears someone at the door, and blinks.

"David!" Fortunately the recovery period is brief, and Ivan gets to his feet to usher him in. "It's good to see you."

"I'm sorry I'm late," he starts as he steps further inside. Should he take a seat? He glances over at the couch before deciding he'll wait for Ivan's lead. "I had to make a stop somewhere before I came in."

Ivan nods, gesturing him on to the couch. He's got the idea down. "Please, go ahead." There's an eyebrow raise at make a stop somewhere that he lets go. For now.

Ivan waits until he's taken a seat to sit next to him, relaxing against it and throwing an arm on the back of the couch. "I didn't know if you were coming again."

"I wasn't sure either," he answers as he takes a seat on the couch. He's near Ivan though he leaves some space between them. Ivan won't have to wait long to find out about what the stop was since it's burning a hole in David's pocket, so to speak.

"But I want to figure this out. Even if I can't pursue it very far once I get home." He pulls out a small jewelry box and toys with it for a moment before offering it to Ivan. "I thought I'd start with new earrings."

They're much the same as the ones he's wearing now. Seeing an LSP to figure things out, so he's uninterested in a relationship presently, but with a new mark to denote that his preference is for men and open to flirting. The last part had been something he'd debated on for a while, a major part of why he was late in the first place. But he's on Beta Colony and no one's going to care with how they wear their sexuality on their ears. Hopefully it'd be more help than harm.

Ivan takes the earrings, getting their meaning in a quick glance. He grins, first at them, then at David, as he hands the box over. He's surprised, but glad -- "You know what I said about making good progress? I meant it." And hell, he admires the other man even more for being willing to try this out anyway, in the face of everything.

"Do you have plans to test these out?" Ivan asks, curious. Half of this was about getting comfortable with oneself, and he'd like to know if David had thought that far ahead. He doesn't close the space between them -- leaving that to the other man's discretion -- but does lean forward onto his arms a little, giving the other man a curious look. He knows earrings are odd for galactics to adjust to; his mother had worn do not ask for most of his childhood. Turns out still angry at a dead husband wasn't actually a choice here.

He takes the box automatically and toys with it in his fidgeting hands. At least he can say that of his trip, his LSP thinks he's making good progress. The one part he can't really mention to anyone else back home. Very few even know this is where he decided to take his sabbatical and they assumed the Galen with no interest in any of the bondings offered to him was cutting loose, for one reason or another.

"I was thinking of trying them, yes," he answers carefully. "I wasn't sure if I should wear them out of the office or not."

Ivan smiles, although he won't have a helpful answer for that. "It's up to you, David. Do you feel comfortable with the idea of wearing them out?" He understands that some people do -- especially visitors. In his experience visitors tend to opt for more passive earrings; they can't read them like a native would, and so theirs tend to be invitations or warnings away. Ivan's own are inherently complicated: LSPT; bisexual; open to sex outside of work, but not interested in serious long-term relationships.

"If you'd like to wear them in the office to get used to the idea, you're welcome to."

He stares down at the box in consideration for a moment before nodding. That might help. Wearing earrings at all is an adjustment and maybe if he wears them in here long enough, he'll forget to swap them out. Throw himself into the deep end, as it were, with the warning still attached that he was seeking professional help. He's forever thankful that's not a taboo here and while the encouraging comments are awkward at times, he'll take them over the judgmental ones.

"I think I'd like that," he says and reaches to remove his current ones. Putting on the new ones however would be far more difficult and offers the box to Ivan once more. "Ah -- would you mind helping me put them on? I still have trouble without a mirror."

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